The phone rings, voice mail responds, I hear my beloved friend’s voice, but I know that she is not at home. You see, I am calling to inquire about her physical condition that prompted her admission to the hospital several days prior to the new year. The fact that her husband is not answering the phone tells me that he is probably still at her hospital bedside; having experienced a reaction to her most recent chemotherapy treatment, she is in an unconscious state.
Memories flood my mind as I recall her kindness as a friend—always urging me to reach my full professional potential, investing her time and resources to assist in my success, offering advice and counsel, editing my writing endeavors, telling me the truth when content needed to be revised, and simply having fun together were a portion of the qualities that comprised our friendship collage. Once again I pondered —was I careful to express my gratitude and thanks for her faithfulness that spanned some thirty years? Dear Lord, I prayed, if it would please You, provide me with the opportunity to allow me to communicate to Barbara how much I treasure her friendship.
The days pass, and then one evening her husband does answer the phone with the blessed report that, “our Barbara is with us again!” As I offer my heartfelt thanks to my heavenly Father, I was also motivated to make certain that I communicated to her regularly the depth and breadth of our relationship!
One of the classic descriptions of friendship recorded in Scripture is that of Jonathan and David (1 Sam. 18:1-4, 19, 20, 23:16, 2 Sam. 1:17). Let’s consider some of the qualities of their relationship that provide a twenty-first century role model for us:
Friendship requires initiation (18:1); in our twenty first-century society, too many friendships are based on surface attributes and selfish ambitions. Jonathan’s initiation of his friendship with David reflects a willingness to cross social barriers and personal agendas to develop a genuine relationship.
Friendship involves sacrifice (18:4, 23:16-17)—unselfishness is always necessary to practice true friendship. Each individual must be willing to give up something treasure; in Jonathan’s case, he willingly surrendered his rightful position as king.
Friendship promotes the best interests of the other. Jeopardizing his own safety and relationship with his father, Jonathan sought to alert David to potential danger (19:1-2), defend him, and cultivate a spirit of reconciliation between Saul and David (19:3-7).
Friendship is willing to take the brunt of another person's circumstances (20:24-33).
Every person needs someone to "go to the wall for him or her," and, against insurmountable odds, Jonathan did “go to the wall” for David. Second Samuel 1:26 clearly describes that David’s love for Jonathan was reciprocated. Writing on their relationship, John MacArthur shares, “A deep concern and affection was the basis of the covenantal relationship between Jonathan and David. This is the affection commanded by God when He said, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”[1]
Our gracious heavenly Father did respond to my prayer with “yes.” Barbara’s life was extended for several additional years. During that time she graciously edited Precious in His Sight, The Art of Becoming a Godly Woman which I dedicated to her—a small gesture to say “thanks” for a genuine relationship with an absence of unrealistic expectations.
Friendship is one of the most precious of God’s gifts to us. Kelsey’s Korner provides timely insight into the importance of entering all relationships, especially marriage, with realistic expectations.
KELSEY’S KORNER
I really enjoy cooking. I especially love cooking as a way to express my love to people! Because of this, my husband brings home-cooked (leftover J) meals to work each day. As he reheats his food, the fragrances always draw a crowd of very interested coworkers who are weary of their ham sandwiches and canned tuna. Jacob always fills me in on all the complementary comments his food receives when he arrives home.
Eventually, Jacob and I noticed a trend from his single coworkers (both guys and girls). They always commented on how jealous they were that I cook and how excited they were to someday marry someone who would cook for them, too. Although sweet and fairly harmless, I believe these comments display a negative change in our societal views of love and marriage. Instead of viewing marriage as a partnership and way to express selfless love to our spouses, more and more people are only interested in the perks and benefits their spouses can offer them. In other words, people are pursuing marriage for what they can get out of the partnership, not what they can give.
Don’t get me wrong—I’ll be the first to admit that this line of reasoning makes a lot of sense. Of course we would only marry if it’s beneficial to us, right? Yet not only is this way of thinking opposed to the biblical definitions of love and marriage, it’s unsustainable and destined to fail. Think about it; if everyone is looking for someone who will live to make them happy, how will anyone find a spouse? And if people with this view eventually do get married, how can their marriage not end in divorce? Someday they will realize that their spouse “just isn’t making me happy anymore,” or “just isn’t fulfilling all my needs.”
The statistics speak for themselves. According to Census Bureau, the average age people married in 1975 was 23 for men and 21 for women. Now, the average age is 30 for men and 28 for women. Not only are people marrying later in life, but according to a study from Bently University, more and more people are remaining unmarried. The study discovered that 25% of millennials are likely never to marry—a historically record low—and about ¼ of them are living with partners out of wedlock. In addition, divorce rates are now in the 40 to 50% range—an incredibly sad high.
Although there are numerous reasons for these changing marriage stats, I believe that as Americans are becoming more independent, embracing a spirit of entitlement, and increasing in self-worth, their goals have changed from looking out for others to “looking out for number one” (themselves). This is affecting marriages in 2 main ways:
Because we as Americans believe we deserve the best, finding a spouse that meets all our picky criteria is becoming increasingly difficult. Not only is this increasing the age which people marry, but it leaves many discouraged and willing to give up the concept of marriage altogether. Instead, many opt to cohabitate—an easy way to have their cake and eat it too.
When a husband or wife has been wronged by their spouse, our culture teaches, “You deserve better than that!” We clap our hands and pat spouses on the back who pack their bags and leave the person that no longer makes them happy.
Christian, what if Christ’s love for us depended on our merit or how much we make Him happy? What if He only chose to save those who checked all the boxes on His list? What if He packed His bags and left when we no longer pleased Him? No one could stand before a God like this. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Jesus deserves the best and we deserve death (Rom. 6:23), not the other way around! Yet through His actions, Christ defines love as selfless, sacrificial, humble, forgiving, and relentlessly patient. Friends—if Christ defines “love” like this, how could we feel justified in defining it any other way?
So instead of looking to friendships or marriage for our ultimate fulfillment and joy, find these things in Christ—He will never disappoint. Love those around you with Christ’s love, for by His love we prove to the watching world that we belong to Christ (John 13:15). And instead of looking for a spouse that will cook for you, if God gives you one, cook for them. J
THE EVERYDAY HOMEMAKER’S MONTHLY MEDITATION THOUGHT
God’s Word states, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Pro. 17:17)
Therefore, I may boldly say, I will choose, through the Lord’s strength, to love my friends at all times.
[1] John MacArthur, The MacArthur Study Bible (Nashville: Word: 1997), note at 1 Samuel 20:17.